Fluid Relationships

What are Fluid Relationships?

Fluid Relationships are about having relationships that ebbs and flows much like ballroom dancing. Sometimes you're dancing tango, sometimes you're dancing the waltz. Sometimes you're dancing with the same partner for 5 songs, sometimes for one or less. In any case, it all works since there is always the next song to dance to and always another partner to dance with. And yet, each dance partner is precious and beautiful in their own way, for in sharing this dance with you, while being present with you step after step, they offer you the most amazing gift of all: the gift of sharing a bit of their life with you. Fluid Relationships is for all those who want an abundance of love, openness, juiciness, sex, intimacy (not the usual kind!), passionate living and friendship. It is for all who value presence and sharing in their relationship, for from these two a true deep intimate connection can be created, and from that, anything is possible!

Question: Fluidity within relationships meaning no boundaries? What are boundaries within this context or is that simply a moot point?

Actually no, there should be boundaries for sure. But the emphasis is on abundance and exploration rather than fear and control. And with boundaries like that, there tends to be a sense of inclusiveness and expansion and yet that does not prevent a momentary contraction or exclusion when needed. And when the boundary is crossed, you're more likely to hear a "oh, sweet, i didn't think of *that*" rather than "you crossed that line and it you should never do it again".

But that's the standard way of looking at a boundary, ie as a frontier of sorts, at the edge of a no-man/woman-sland. It's mostly about creating a circle of protection around us, with a conscious or unconscious belief that the world is a place where we often get hurt. So not only does the boundary protect us, it's also serves as a reminder that we have something to be afraid of.

In my perception, a much better approach to boundaries -- when people have the flexibility to do it, and the communities round them to create safe space -- is to look at boundaries as a way of indicating and knowing where you and everyone else around you is at the moment -- a marker/guide of sorts, which allows you to meet them and be met more easily. As you live your life, the marker is there and everything you communicate is about where that marker is. And in those conversations, rather than to protect yourself, the invitation to the universe is to support you in moving around this marker in any direction that feels right to you. So there's really no more sense of anything that gets crossed, and more of a sense that you are getting away from that place where you where before in favor of... a new place. And that definitely can bring up a lot of stuff, processing, and such -- people tend to loooove where they are and make it mean something. But what they don't realize is that they are constantly moving on that map and telling people they won't go anywhere else 'cause that's their boundaries (not sure that's a completely solid premise yet, though). But they move, and yet they keep their boundaries because of the sense of safety it brings them. But when you see that you're always in charge of what you want (and seeing that can take a bit of work), you get that boundaries is just another way of saying "this is who I am", to define yourself. And that keeps changing too (although quite a bit of it comes from society and culture, a bit more static for sure). And it takes quite a bit of courage to stop saying "this is who I am" and start saying "this is who I am NOW", knowing very well that it might be different tomorrow. Especially considering that everyone is expecting to know what to expect from us, never mind that we could become something much greater and surprise them to bits. It's a safety for them too, to know "who you are" and "who you're not" through your boundaries.

Me, I'd much rather keep getting blown away!

Anyway, I digress. So when you find yourself in a new place, you can put your marker down. And then the game and the conversation can start again, or not if you're fine where you are, or you can go back to anywhere you were before. In the end, it's just another place on the map, and no one can tell you where is better except you, and after a while the best thing to do for everyone around you -- if they get it, which might take a good deal of work too -- becomes supporting you in being where-ever you are *AND* supporting you in moving to another place when you want to.

Yep, all that takes practice.

Question: What about the nature of commitment? Overlying structures of communication?

The way I see them and related to the map example above, are an agreements to move in a certain direction or towards a certain goal. That said, there's nothing saying you have to do it for any length of time. When you're by yourself, you can move completely erratically and ruffle very few of the feathers of those watching you. But when in relationship it gets a bit trickier, because once you are in a relationship and you start to care about someone else, you start wanting to move on the map of your life in a way that works well with those you're in relationship with. That is the first commitment: to move together with someone with all your willingness and skill.

That is what I call "The Dance".

And the dance can last anything from a few seconds, to a full song, to many songs. But in fluid relationships, there's a realization that there are an abundance of dancers on the dance floor, and that the music always changes. And so rather than erratically dance in any direction and confuse everyone, the challenge is to dance well with everyone you end up dancing with and know when the song changes, so that you may agree to stay together for another song or move on, having had a deep and fulfilling dance, and take that feeling into the next song, possibly with someone completely different.

So, how can we build anything deep and intimate and long lasting? Pretty much the same way we do it with our best friends -- by dancing with each other again and again, and even -- oh! -- make plans for the future. And these commitment, naturally, go from commitments in the moment to commitments in time.

Question: What about integrity?

Integrity goes from there: a willingness to keep dancing well with others in whatever ways work best for both people, to elegantly move from song to song, and partner to partner, being fully present with those you dance with while acknowledging those you don't dance with (ie at the very least not bumping into them).

A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime

An email I received recently about relationships, which I believe expresses well the idea of fluid relationships, albeit a very light version of it:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real - but only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind - but friendship is clairvoyant!

Teamwork - a quote from Sitting in the Fire from Arnold Mindell (p. 194) which I think can relate to relationships -

Teamwork involves spontaneous, organic consensus that sees everyone's view as part of the community (Note from Fuzzy: community here can be a relationship). There can be no view that is against the community. This type of consensus does not insist on one thing and repress another. It is an agreement to go for the time being in a certain direction and has no further significance. Be open, but don't insist that others be open too. Instead, model how to follow.

An inspiring dyad agreement between Hope and Sinboy -

http://www.hopesplace.net/polyamory/opendyad.html

I freely enter into this contract, choosing to live in the NOW with you and remaining open-hearted to future expansion of our family. We know nothing is guaranteed and "happily ever after" exists only in fairy tales. Love and relationships take conscious, consistent effort to maintain and to flourish.

I am free to make commitments and I accept responsibility for my actions. My freedom comes from the personal expression of my own power. No one can take away my power to be my self. I choose to help empower you, not to own you nor possess you. I choose to love, honor, and respect you.

I will be as truthful and reliable as I can be. I will not agree to do things with you unless I truly want to, yet I will be respectful of, and sensitive to, your needs and feelings. When I want something from you, I will ask clearly, not hint or expect you to read my mind. I will not create expectations in my head concerning you or your actions then blame you for their unfulfillment. I will share my love, joy, and caring with you.

I will never use your words against you nor divulge your private thoughts and actions to others without your consent. I will communicate to you what "privacy" means to me, and I will accept your definition of "privacy" for you. Any actions or words that relate to something the two of us said or did together should be considered private unless we have discussed it and agreed to reveal our actions or thoughts to others.

I will care for you when you are sick or hurt even if it means you want me to do nothing at all for you. I will respect that, in most instances, you know what is best for you, and what you need from me. However, I will not let you purposefully hurt or destroy yourself without attempting to persuade you otherwise. You may count on me for strength and emotional support when you are down and I expect the same of you.

We are separate and unique individuals who choose to enrich and cherish each other. Ultimately, though, only I can choose to be happy or not, fulfilled or not. I am equal to you, not more nor less. I will not compete with you and play "I win, you lose" games. I will enjoy your different qualities and work towards "win-win" situations. I feel proud of you and will not take you for granted. I will accept you as you are and not try to change those aspects of yourself I am uncomfortable with. I will endeavor to keep my mind open and my boundaries flexible. I will support your growth processes. I will not attack you in public or private when something occurs that I don't like. I will instead accept it as a part of who you are and rationally discuss it with you in private in order to more fully understand who you are. I will remember your love and constancy and communicate this to you. I will not judge you against my past relationships,good or bad. Nor will I hold on to issues or grudges. I will enjoy sharing hopes, dreams, and plans for the future with you now.

Our time together has a high priority in my life. I value our time and will make conscious efforts to ensure we have as much time for each other as we need. I also recognize that we need separate and alone time, too. I will respect your right to be apart from me, and I expect you to respect my right to have alone time also. I have friends and interests that are not in common with you; you also have friends and interests not in common with me. I will not be possessive or jealous of your time away from me, recognizing that the fulfillment and joy you receive benefits me as well. I will be open to uncommon experiences with you though. Our careers are also important to us and I will be understanding when job demands temporarily take a high priority in your life; I expect the same from you.

When problems occur, I will work with you to resolve them as soon as possible. When I am upset or conflicted, I will center myself, clarify my feelings, and determine my issues before confronting you. Only then will I approach you to discuss my issues. I will never make threats of breaking our commitments to each other, leaving you, or asking you to leave. I will never intentionally physically harm you nor threaten to. I will not expect either of us to be perfect. Occasionally I will get frustrated and stressed and disappointed, but I will not reject you nor attempt to control your individuality. I accept that I will have times of anger, sadness, fear, and pain and will want your emotional support. I will not feel you are attacking me when you express frustrations or bad feelings.

I use sexual intimacy as a way to express my love and inner self to you. I will not withhold sex to punish you nor use sex to control you. I value our sexual intimacy and will be open to your sexuality and need, as well as my own. I may not agree with every desire you have and I will be open to new experiences. However, I will not do things I am uncomfortable with, nor would I force you to do that which is uncomfortable for you. I will not be intimate with another unless you are comfortable with it. If you feel threatened, I will show you my love and reassure you and listen to you. However, I will not let you control my actions if you have unreasonable fears or a need to have power over me.

I will be responsible for supporting myself, and I will share what I can with you to the best of my abilities. I have personal property and I will respect and care for your personal property, as well as our common property, as if it were my own. I will make agreements with you concerning mutual financial matters. I will not control you with money, nor will I be controlled by your money. I also will consult with you before attempting to change our place of residence.

I commit myself to growing and changing and creating a conscious future with you. I will do my utmost to live up to the spirit of this agreement. We may revise or renegotiate this document as we deem suitable.

Dreams of a Naming Ritual Witnessed by a Chorus of Relationships

Chatting with friends about spirits -- of those we remember, of ideas, of dreams -- around us, and I've often looked any given relationship as a one: you can't see it and you can't touch it, but it's *there*, you can *feel* it. And so I would imagine my relationships as entities, spirits, almost like other people, so that in any two people knowing each other, there could really be 3 entities: the two people and their relationship. And notice how this relationship would in turn have its own personality, its own tandrums, its own strangeness, even its own relationships with other people. To me, that's why saying "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" doesn't quite stick -- it often doesn't feel *right* to the relationship spirit to never be called by a name and to be just implied: it wants something more concrete, more powerful, more present. And as a society we do call our relationships with general names: friendship, partnership, marriage, affair, etc. But it occurred to me that perhaps our relationships could have much more inspiring names. For example, in Landmark terms, your relationship could be a possibility, like "abundant love" or "deep generous commitment". Or it could be something more poetic, like a great one we found "Brilliant City of Souls". Or perhaps, a "real" name, like "Maeda" or "Aaron", or anything that fits. What could you call your relationship? Amazing how the relationship suddenly feels more real, more tangible, as soon it has a name. Suddenly, it's not just "out there" anymore, it's right here, between my lovers and I, right here between my friends and I and so on.

And what is a relationship, if not a *community of two*? And what are we deep inside, if not a community of our inner selves, inner child, adult, animal, teen, or any that manifest in our life? So even between my love and I, there's 4 inner-selves (perhaps more), the relationship we each have with our own inner selves (mine is an open relationship, for sure!), then the relationship I have with each of her selves and the relationship she has with each of me. And we could go one with the relationship of each relationship together with the selves and existing relationships with the new relationships and so on and keep going. . . forever. And, really, it doesn't matter how far we go, although I'd venture to guess "as long as we can keep track and is useful" is a good rule of thumb. And so the answer to the question, "what could we call our relationship" cannot simply consider just one of all the combinations between two people, but somehow all of them, as a symphony of dances that looks much like a dust swirling in the sunlight, the universe's way to shake our own little life-sized snow globe! :)

My love and I are sooo excited at the possibilities of "naming" our relationship -- kinda feels like having a baby, doesn't it? -- that there was this idea I had about doing this in sacred space, in ritual. The rest would be up to those present -- and within this dream we are all creating together, and our relationships, and all the other dyads, triads, and combinations of people we can think is present powerfully with us, all the way to the largest number of people present, and which may or may never been this visible ever again, as these people may never ever been in the same room again at the same time.

Sooo imagine us, and chorus of spirits present in the room, creating the very fabric of what we call "our world", present as witness, as we invite some of them to speak at this ritual of naming, which will manifest, create, both our relationships to a whole level of reality, and to a place where they will be acknowledged with a name, with caring, with love, with freedom, with choice.

What would it be like? I, for one, am completely speechless just imagining it. So grandiose, so immense, so powerful. . .

Can Love Be Rekindled? An article by my friend Francesca Gentille (www.LifeDanceCenter.com) (2/27/05):

Love is eternal. When we love someone, we love them forever. They also love us forever.

YET the FEELING OF LOVE can be overshadowed by anger, sadness, and/or fear.

I will use myself as an example. Please substitute your partner or yourself when you look at this. Try one and then the other.

If I feel that someone has hurt me:

- Lied
- Cheated
- Withheld some amount of truth, compassion, affection
- Been distant
- Been an overworker or been lazy
- Been too demanding
- Been stingy or clingy
- Been bad with money and security for our family
- Been criticizing or complaining
- Not seen or understood me
- Not appreciated me
- Not loved me
- Not offered sexuality or physical affection in a way that saw and met my needs for sex and affection
- Etcetera

I may have built up lots of fear, anger and/or sadness around my thoughts of this person.

I know (that underneath) I still love this person. That love has me feel
even more frightened and vulnerable.

Because I perceive that I have been hurt so many times by the person in the past, NOW, every time I feel love, I create bigger defenses of anger to push the feeling of love and THEM away.

Sooooo. . .

Is there any hope?

YES!

There is always hope for forgiving, healing, learning and coming to compassion in our own hearts.

This may not GET US our beloved HOWEVER IT IS NECESSARY WORK to get us a healthy, loving relationship (WITH ANYONE) in the future.

WE NEED TO LEARN how, when, where we were accountable for the pain that occurred in the relationship. LET ME REPEAT . . . I/WE need to learn HOW, WHEN, WHERE we are ACCOUNTABLE for the PAIN that occurred in the relationship. The other person is also accountable HOWEVER, in order to heal and grow we must focus on our own accountability.

How can we grow healthy relationships?

We need to learn how to be GREAT at relating.

We need to learn:

- How to deeply listen to ourselves and to others
- How to listen for the boundaries/limits (in ourselves and others)
- How to listen to the pacing of emotional, physical and/or sexual intimacy in ourselves and others
- How to find ever more courage to love ourselves and others
- How to speak in ways that are nutritive to others and allow us to be heard and seen
- How to speak in ways that are nutritive to others and have them feel heard and seen
- How to listen with compassion for wants, needs, longings and desires (in ourselves and others)
- How to have compassion for fear, anger, and grief while maintaining &
expressing healthy boundaries.
- How to have compassion for others attacks, lies, cheats (etcetera) while expressing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
- How to express our wants, needs, longings and desires in ways that have them be appreciated and understood.
- How to forgive
- How to set and maintain healthy boundaries/limits around our time, energy and money
- How to give with joy

THIS NEXT BIT IS REALLY IMPORTANT! ! !

If we are trying to grow, heal and communicate with our ex (or present
beloved) IN ORDER TO GET THEM TO LOVE us, forgive us, like us (etc.) IT WON'T WORK! ! !

If we are growing, healing because we love ourselves enough to gather the courage to face our Inner Darkness and our INNER LIGHT. . . great things will happen in all areas of our life.

Sooo, can we communicate with an ex or current beloved in a healing,
nutritive way?

YES, If we are communicating with them consistently, compassionately,
appropriately because that communication arises from our CORE VALUES of kindness, love, collaboration, friendship. . . peace and healing will
eventually take place.

We cannot make another person, heal, grow, forgive, reconnect, love and/or be compassionate.

We can only do the soul's work with ourselves. YET WHEN WE DO healing will often take place around us.

Thomas, each soul has a unique life journey to learn about love. It is a
journey that takes many lifetimes. The capacity for the heart to love is
infinite.

Soulful love seeks the highest and best for all concerned.

Human needs seek to be fulfilled. And that is tenderly true for us all. When we perceive that our needs our not being fulfilled we often ACT OUT in ways that can be hurtful to others.

What healing needs to take place in you to love wholly and in a healthy
manner?

What are your Core Values of love, relationship, truth, compassion,
friendship, community?

What are your Core Needs as a human being? (Touch, appreciation, affection, family etc?)

I recommend engaging in a deep, sensitive, heartfelt journey to forgive and release the pain you hold in your heart for your past relationships to
others and in your past relationship to yourself.

Out of this ONGOING process of self/other compassion & forgiveness, new healing relationships will arise whether with your ex or someone new.

Love & blessings,
Francesca